my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times