CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
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Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.