Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.