“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump

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I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”


HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window


My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.


I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*


In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.


My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.

Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.


INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.


My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)


[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”