I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump
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HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.
Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”