@kumailn

“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump

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@TheTweetOfGod

McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.

@TheBeerGuy73

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

@TheCatWhisprer

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

@TheAlexNevil

Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?

@ClichedOut

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

@hippieswordfish

HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SEVICE: so how will we name all these hurricanes?
GARY, WHOS BEEN DIVORCED 31 TIMES: i have an idea

@zacharyflynn

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

@SooInnocentDad

Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!

@AnOrangeSNES

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.