@kumailn
@TheTweetOfGod
McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
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@TheTweetOfGod
@TheBeerGuy73
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
@TheCatWhisprer
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
@TheAlexNevil
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
@labonnelab
I feel seen
@ClichedOut
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
@hippieswordfish
HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SEVICE: so how will we name all these hurricanes?
GARY, WHOS BEEN DIVORCED 31 TIMES: i have an idea
@zacharyflynn
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
@SooInnocentDad
Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!
@AnOrangeSNES
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.