Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Chyld

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

@PaperWash

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

@KentWGraham

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

@CantWaitToNap

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

@Shut_up_Marissa

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

@CantWaitToNap

My husband says that he just wants me to be happy.

Then he gets all mad and kicks my boyfriend out of our house.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

@veggiefemme

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

@david8hughes

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”