My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
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I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.