My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
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PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Sounds about right. 😂🤣