My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
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person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill