My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My all-alligator remake of Dirty Dancing has encountered some unexpected problems
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Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life
omg leave her alone
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.