@SlothSlouch: My all-alligator remake of Dirty Dancing has encountered some unexpected problems
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@k_umezinwa: Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
@imence2: I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week...because there's just some things they should learn from their dad.
@willwilkinson: Why is it "kill baby Hitler" rather than "make Hitler's mom fall in love with YOU" or "kidnap Hitler's grandpa and strand him in Nepal just before he meets Hitler's grandma"? People lacking in imagination should not have time machines.
@matt___nelson: DOG 911: what's your emergency? DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller DOG 911: *covers phone* WE'VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY