I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
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Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.