@SlothSlouch

My all-alligator remake of Dirty Dancing has encountered some unexpected problems

My all-alligator remake of Dirty Dancing has encountered some unexpected problems

- @SlothSlouch

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@KiaraJeanine

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

@JimViscardi

The first Transformer that comes to Earth will look like a Tesla.

@ojedge

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

@samreich

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

@Jeffwni

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

@sarawrencomedy

Being Asian means I will look 20 until I turn 65 then the next day I look 2000.

@kwirkyKerri

Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)

@TheDairylandDon

I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.