@SlothSlouch

My all-alligator remake of Dirty Dancing has encountered some unexpected problems

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@LoveNLunchmeat

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

@RandomAntics

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

@Moldy_Jellybean

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

@Love_bug1016

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

@68Cly29

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

@flukyness

I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I’m doing at life

@HiddenPinky

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

@clichedout

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

@thenatewolf

Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.