[my alma mater, the school that took fifty thousand dollars from me, scores a point in the basketball tournament]

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‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic


It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft


How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.


Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.


CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.


Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.


remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer


DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.


Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.


*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us



Security: ALRIGHT