My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
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Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.