My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
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I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Had to try this trend 😊
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle