My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
You Might Also Like
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Spring of Deception
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]