My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
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Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
went fishing caught a bass
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking