My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
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“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
tourist season
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH