MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
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*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Time heals everything 🙂
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.