MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
You Might Also Like
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.