Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
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Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered