@jlock17

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

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@theyearofelan

This reminds me of the time I fired my mother when she was investigating the case of “who ate all the cookies?”

@Brentweets

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

@DrakeBell

In honor of Kim and Kanye’s baby “North West” I will be naming my first son “Taco”

@omgthatspunny

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

@aveuaskew

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

@murrman5

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

@bromanconsul

LA girls say they want to go on “adventures” but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking

@copymama

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”