@jlock17

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

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@daemonic3

[clothing store]

me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me

employee: i recommend a medium

me: ok do you know any good ones?

@DanMentos

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

@NicestHippo

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

@kookiedelukey

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

@MableGertrude

I wonder if the earth ever looks at the 2016 election and thinks about hurling itself into the sun.

@iamspacegirl

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

@sweetmomissa

The last time I cleaned my teenagers room, I found an empty bottle of lotion under his bed. So yeah like I said, the last time I clean his room. EVER.

@doguacate

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

@ValeeGrrl

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*