This reminds me of the time I fired my mother when she was investigating the case of “who ate all the cookies?”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
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I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
In honor of Kim and Kanye’s baby “North West” I will be naming my first son “Taco”
No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
Are you okay?
Did you take your cold medicine?
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Someone greased my downward spiral.
LA girls say they want to go on “adventures” but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”