My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
LOOOOOOL
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.