@offbeatoliv

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

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@SortaBad

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

@Lovestained555

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

@bridger_w

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

@ScottLinnen

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

@FreudsTwin

I’m no Exorcist, but i did scare the hell out of someone once.

@noogscorner

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

@michaelianblack

The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.

@itsallbollocks

my kid’s angry and giving me the silent treatment, this is very hard *makes coffee, puts feet up, opens twitter*

@Lakelandr

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”