My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

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If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again


If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?


If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die


If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.


I’m no Exorcist, but i did scare the hell out of someone once.


A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]


The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.


my kid’s angry and giving me the silent treatment, this is very hard *makes coffee, puts feet up, opens twitter*


There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”