“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
You Might Also Like
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.