Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
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I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
#dnd #ttrpg
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
what
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*