My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!