@Ryan_Patricks

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

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@TheToddWilliams

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

@melliemeow

I have on my new shoes today. They are so cute, and comfortable, as long as I don’t stand in them or walk in them.

@exarctly

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

@JayCee302

Me: Yeah man, got her right where I want her

Bartender: Oh yeah?

Me: Yup, sitting at home while the cable man works on th

::rushes home::

@david8hughes

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don’t want anymore children living on our street.

@vineyille

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

@didgeridougrou

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

@MrGirlDad

I shaved my beard at my wife’s request and she is now coming to terms with having married a chubby nine-year-old.