My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
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A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????