My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
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[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long