Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
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What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?