My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
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[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.