@BoomBoomBetty

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

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@MAngelo505

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

@JervanF

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

@SortaBad

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

@Brentweets

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

@CVTBaby

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

@sweatyhairy

why did marilyn monroe sing happy birthday like that. she should have sang it normal

@PaperWash

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

@khook32

My husband really loves our new couch. In fact, he loves it so much he called me his exwife’s name just so he could sleep on it.