My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
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Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.