My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
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I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Google Pay be like:
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.