what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
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[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Its a hippotatomus
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Worth remembering.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing