@Piecezilla

My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.

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@ilovepie84

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

@TheClifBob

I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank

@JoeCharles119

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

@KThonvold

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

@GrrrRach

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

@CakeThrottle

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

@myonlymizztake

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

@Coastiefish

I just walked through a spiderweb and invented the next Macarena.