My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.

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“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.


My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.


I wore a mask to run errands today

Accidentally robbed a bank


me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare


People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up


How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.


Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference


*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*


I just walked through a spiderweb and invented the next Macarena.