My apathy is at an all time whatever.
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Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.