@ShelbyWolstein

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

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@mommajessiec

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

@david8hughes

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

@lilgapeach30

Guys say “never trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn’t die” as if something with two heads powered by one brain is trustworthy.

@beefman138

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

@TriciaLockwood

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

@10InchesPlus

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

@KalvinMacleod

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

@KenJennings

I’ve been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I’ve already heard “Shake It Off” 137 times.

@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?