My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

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A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.


[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”


Guys say “never trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn’t die” as if something with two heads powered by one brain is trustworthy.


Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*


jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly


Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?


GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.


I’ve been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I’ve already heard “Shake It Off” 137 times.


*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?