My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.

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Think you had a bad childhood?

Wait until you see what adulthood has to offer.


Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.


The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.


The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high


Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”


Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*


Your favourite character is Baby Yoda. Mine is Darth Vader. We are not the same.


[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.