@realHamOnWry

My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.

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@girlontapas

Think you had a bad childhood?

Wait until you see what adulthood has to offer.

@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

@envydatropic

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

@ThisOneSayz

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

@SoVeryBritish

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

@Jenny4ashley

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

@ShellHasDragons

Your favourite character is Baby Yoda. Mine is Darth Vader. We are not the same.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.