Think you had a bad childhood?
Wait until you see what adulthood has to offer.
My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.
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Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Your favourite character is Baby Yoda. Mine is Darth Vader. We are not the same.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.