My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
sensitive skin
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!