@DothTheDoth

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

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@sadvil

2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*

2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away

@skittle624

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

@CooperLawrence

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

@robdelaney

Steve Jobs’ entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger’s cord.

@jerm1991

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

@a_simpl_man

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

@jakob_huber

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

@Tw1tter_K1tten

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

@squirrel74wkgn

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.