2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*
2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
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I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Steve Jobs’ entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger’s cord.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.