My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

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6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”


Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.



Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.


Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa


Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.


pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.


The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.


Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.


[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders


The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.


No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.