My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
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why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??