@DothTheDoth

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

You Might Also Like

@mommajessiec

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

@iinkedZombie

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

@LostCatDog

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

@beefman138

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

@TuSoonShakur

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

@moose_chocolate

The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.

@reallifemommy3

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

@carlyken

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

@duplicitron

The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.

@XLToast

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.