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More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..