I just had my tubes tied, and now I’m……..inconceivable.
My armpits smell like garlic bread.
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Women my age expect a man to have his shit together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
*watches you carefully arrange the piles of paperwork on your desk
*waits for you to finish
*sets fan to “oscillate”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.