“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
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The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
dutch so unserious
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
He’s cranky this morning