My armpits smell like garlic bread.

Me, flirting

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Women my age expect a man to have his shit together by now. Time to start dating younger women.


I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.


*watches you carefully arrange the piles of paperwork on your desk

*waits for you to finish

*sets fan to “oscillate”


Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.


snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood


Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.


Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.


I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.


I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.