Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
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gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.