My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
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Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.