@poutinesmoothie

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

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@mattyglesias

Say what you will about Fidel Castro, at least he didn’t use a private email server.

@UnFitz

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

@EmSlyce

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

@Brampersandon_

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

@BoogTweets

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

@Vodkantots

The last time I left the house without wearing blush, someone tried to drive a stake through my heart.

@st_RAY_aah

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

@pauleggleston

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

@SequelsWeWant

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.