Say what you will about Fidel Castro, at least he didn’t use a private email server.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
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*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
The last time I left the house without wearing blush, someone tried to drive a stake through my heart.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.