@Gupton68

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

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@MarfSalvador

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

@lemonmartinis

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

@BrendanHealy4

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

@amydillon

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

@squirrel74wkgn

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

@imshitimsorry

lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can’t burp so they get mad and cry
me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies

@JimmerThatisAll

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

@noog

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.