When can I start eating bats again.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
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Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can’t burp so they get mad and cry
me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.