My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
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Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.