CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
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Thrilling chase underway
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
“I’m helping” 😅
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*