First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
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Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
“He’s still sleeping.”
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!