My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
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They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.