My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

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First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit


Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.


I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.


I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.


My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.


Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!