@WoodyLuvsCoffee

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

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@PleaseBeGneiss

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

@Parkerlawyer

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

@longwall26

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

@WheelTod

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

@joshgondelman

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!