My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
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In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this