My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
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Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess