[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
You Might Also Like
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
my feed is like:
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
we are gonna die
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
Me: *staring intensely* yes please