My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

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ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend?
8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah
ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it


Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful


Facebook people don’t like Twitter because they need picture illustrations to understand the joke.


Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller


It’s great you can perform open-heart surgery, but what I really need is someone who can correctly put tissue paper in a gift bag


Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO


Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]


She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”


I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call