My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
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me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
dam girl
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.