@BradBroaddus

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

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@InternetHippo

ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend?
8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah
ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

@gwatts77

Facebook people don’t like Twitter because they need picture illustrations to understand the joke.

@xLitaLitax

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

@yonewt

It’s great you can perform open-heart surgery, but what I really need is someone who can correctly put tissue paper in a gift bag

@Kyle_Lippert

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

@carlyken

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

@UncleDuke1969

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

@caithuls

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call