My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
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as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.