My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
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landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel