@samdunsiger

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

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@_davidlucas_

Calm down, Windows Update. I’ll restart my computer during work time.

@BuckyIsotope

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

@NurseMurderer

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

@SaltyCorpse

I had to breathe while my cat was sitting on my lap and now she’s disgusted with me.

@Tmoney68

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

@DamienFahey

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

@kumailn

So is tomorrow the day Trump & all his supporters say “April Fools!” & we get our country back?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.