My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
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Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
The little toadstool has spoken.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.