Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
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Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.