My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
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I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Velcrow
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…