My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
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It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
The future is now.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard