My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
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Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions