@MetteAngerhofer

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

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@Tmoney68

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

@hinnaz

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

@EJGomez

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

@AdamZHerman

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

@Boladayy

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

@Marlebean

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

@garrettbarry70

Dad, was I a cocky teenager?

Only when you watched Baywatch in your pyjam….

DAAAD!

@PoshTick

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: speeding?

cop: no it’s-

dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]

me: he says he wasn’t speeding

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..

Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*