[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
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If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
jesus: hey dad
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Dad, was I a cocky teenager?
Only when you watched Baywatch in your pyjam….
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
cop: no it’s-
dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]
me: he says he wasn’t speeding
Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..
Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*