My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

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Me: “people always think I’m gay! Do I put off a gay vibe?”

Guy whose back I’m massaging in a bubble bath: “maybe a little”


Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.


If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.


Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?


Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..

For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.


“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.


Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.


She wears short skirts
I eat ham late at night
She’s cheer captain and
I eat ham late at night


*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*