@lottie_fly_x

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

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@SteveSuckington

Me: “people always think I’m gay! Do I put off a gay vibe?”

Guy whose back I’m massaging in a bubble bath: “maybe a little”

@shegotagronk

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

@mishakey

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

@Wussawilla

Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..

For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.

@lloydrang

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

@CulturedRuffian

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

@Home_Halfway

She wears short skirts
I eat ham late at night
She’s cheer captain and
I eat ham late at night

@iwearaonesie

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*